It’s not even math. It has nothing to do with math. Apart from that we wish it did. Any formula, any step by step, somehow it would be logical. Even if we both couldn’t see it and don’t understand it. Out there would be someone who could solve this shit.
The game is an old one and you are slowly getting not just sick of it you say, but what is even worse: bored. Bored by fights, by little so called ‚challanges‘ that, to be honest, don’t challenge you at all. Its just work that has to be done, period.
Gosh, I reply, its not so and too bad, to be down, have a tiny burning flame in life, when the struggle gets boring (I am not quiet sure, if this is making it even harder…what is harder than fighting when being bored?).
These days, in this hip bar, with your third drink the lack of smile in your face is filling the room. It makes the impression that no good song is good enough matching your current feeling, your state of life, picking you at your emotional status quo and giving you a bit of peace by letting you know: neither are you the first one whos feeling lost, nor are you lost at all. Being lost is a decision, not a status. You are not lost. You just don’t know why a few of the colours went pale instead of glamouros, without you doing something for it.
The colours came, again and again, just by waiting and continuing in your life. And gosh, I wish it would stay like that. But just because what softens you doesn’t soft you any more doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything out there that won’t do the job forever. There is. It just may look differen’t…and you need power and patients to get there.
You get drunk. I like you even when you are drunk, doesn’t matter, but you’re getting far and even farer away. Not the drunk far away, but the ‚way out‘ far away. You start giving a shit, without giving a shit.
And I start wondering what kind of person I became, being kind of wise, throwing advices all around, without being better in any kind of way. If the saying is right that you are a mirror of what your friends are… than what are you? And who, for gods sake, said that shit that I am quoting here?